My New Years Resolution, Become An Alcoholic

January 14, 2008

By Mike "Keg Stand" Emerson

That's it. I'm fed up with making unattainable and far-fetched resolutions every year. This year, I'm going to make a goal that is reasonable, yet challenging, that fits into, nay, improves my every day life. That's right, watch out world! This year I'm going to become an alcoholic!

I mean, I feel like I've reached a point in my life where I just need to make a commitment and stick with it. I am 30 years old and I have failed to realize all of my prior resolutions...cutting down on sweets, reading one book a month, masturbating less than 3 times a day...but really, those were a little unrealistic. There are so many ways becoming an alcoholic could improve my life. I mean, drinking is social, right? I enrich my life by surrounding myself with friends, right? So why not kill two birds with one stone?

I had to create a goal I knew I could accomplish...shit, something I will enjoy...something I could jive with. I enjoy binge drinking. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have no trouble wooing the opposite sex, but a good twelve beers gives me a certain Je ne sais quoi. Sure, I usually don't score at the end of the night, but hey, after the 4th tequila shot who really cares, right? Right, buddy? Now, instead of binge drinking every Friday and Saturday, I'll just do it every night. Maybe I'll take Saturday mornings off. Wait, no! Commit, Mike! Besides, nothing is better than hair of the dog, right? I mean, right buddy? Shit. It's literally the perfect solution. Yes, this is going to be perfect!

Excuse me, I'm getting sleepy. I've gotta go take a Jager bomb.

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